Learning Heart Lessons

Learning Lessons

I have another Hope-ism that turned into a good heart lesson for me and I would love to share it with you for a couple reasons. . . first because I love to see God's truths go forth and I pray that it will encourage you as The Lord continues His faithful work in our lives, and secondly, because I love to give you a real picture of the weak and sinful self that I struggle with all for the purpose of showing how great our awesome God is to save, love and continue to sanctify a wretch like me!

Let me start with the story. . .

I mentioned in my last update that Hope's memory is really starting to return in leaps and bounds!  Well a couple weeks ago, I told her to remind me to clip her nails after her bath.  Of course, forgetful mommy . . . forgot!  Later, not long after being put to bed, Hope called up to me and said, "Mom you forgot to clip my nails!"  I thanked her for reminding me but told her we would wait and do it in the morning.  But in her sweet helpful heart she replied, "But mom, you were supposed to clip them tonight after my bath!"  So that she could just get to sleep, I made her a deal that we would wait til the morning, but then I would have time to also paint her toenails.  So she happily settled to sleep without another peep, excited to have some "nail salon" time with mommy in the morning.

So the next morning comes, and I actually even remembered and Hope and I set out to clip all her nails, pick toe nail colours (alternating turquoise and green with a blue flower on the big toe nail with a white dot centre. . . very cute!), and set to work.  Painting toe nails is a bit of an undertaking with Hope, as due to her underlying dystonia and inability to coordinate and control her muscles, the more she tries to hold still, the more she seems to make little jerking movements.  This definitely makes painting toe nails a challenge!  Last time I tried several months ago, I ended up with nail polish all over me as well as Hope!  But we were determined to give it a try and see how it went. . . Mom and Hope were on a toe painting adventure. . . well armed with Q-tips and nail polish remover, which were necessary on multiple occasions!  But we finally got there. . . 10 cute painted little toe nails. . . okay, now for those flowers.  I started with the left foot big toe and it went quite well. . . got the flower on, waited and held her foot until dried and added the centre white dot and presto. . . cute little blue flower on top of a turquoise nail!  Hope was thrilled!  Okay, now for the right one. . .

We went for it and amazingly were able to get a blue flower (not as neat as the left one, but a flower none-the-less!) on the toe, then held the foot for it to dry a bit and finally went for the finishing white centre dot. . . and she made a big jerk just as I went to dot the centre and smoosh. . . white nail polish all up the toe nail!  I was disappointed to say the least, but not defeated. . . I reassured her that we could fix it and do that toe over again.  So that is what I proceeded to do, one layer at a time.  We got to the end. . . white dot. . . and IT WORKED!  We were both so excited!  I held her foot for a while to make sure it would dry.  Eventually she asked me if it was dry. . . I reached my thumb to just gently touch and see if we were good to go. . . as I did, she made a big jerk and my thumb rubbed up the nail and took off the flower and polish right down to the nail!  All our hard work was gone in an instant!

I was definitely beyond just disappointed at this point, and starting to feel more of a frustration coming on.  Why couldn't I just do this thing for my girlie?  Why did it have to be so difficult?  Hope got a little quieter at this point, as she had an amazing sense of my frustration building here.  A few tears of frustration started to come.  We were now getting close to being pressed for time to finish getting her ready for her afternoon at school (and daddy to his meeting after dropping her off).  So my stress continued to build and sadly right along with it, my frustrated and complaining heart attitude.  Hope sweetly and compassionately started to repeat that she was sorry and asked me to forgive her for jerking her toe.  Humbling to say the least!  Through tears of frustration, I reassured her that it was most definitely not her fault.  She was doing her best and could not help that her body was not cooperating.  As I said these words to her, I must be honest to confess that my frustration was starting to be turned towards God. . . why wouldn't He help us make this work. . . I was trying so hard to do something for my sweet little girl. . . didn't He care?  But we were determined!  So I said we would try ONE more time. . . 

I went through the layers again, waiting for each to dry in between.  We got to the last little white dot. . . and just as I went to dot it on. . . you guessed it. . . she jerked and white nail polish went all over her nail!  I most definitely hit the exasperated, angry, "I've had it!" point and burst into sobbing now.  My sinful heart attitude had me now crying out inside that it was obvious that God didn't even care about what I was trying to accomplish here!  I felt defeated, dejected and unloved.  And then our ever merciful Lord God spoke to me very clearly and very loudly. . . through the voice of my severely brain injured precious dollie girl as she said. . . 

"Mommy, the outside doesn't matter. . . it's the inside that is important. . . right, Mommy!?!?"

God's incision on my sin-sick heart was fast, sure and perfectly loving!  Tears continued to flow, but not in anger. . . that was gone in one gracious miraculous second. . . now filled with repentance and gratitude for a Saviour that paid for all sin, including that wretched complaining, "quick to turn on Him" heart of mine!  Gratitude for a merciful God who does not give up on me, but continues His perfecting work in my heart!  Gratitude for a little treasure, that although she can't see, "saw" this situation with a God-given perspective that humbled and broke me to the core, in a good and necessary way!  Please God don't ever leave me to my own devices. . . thank you for Your faithfulness to never give up on me and keep chipping away at me, as you work on the inside. . . the part that matters most to you!

My foolishness and the reality of the situation flooded over me.  Hope can't even see what I was painting on her nails.  For her, ALL the joy was in spending time with her mommy who was keeping a promise to her.  I asked God's forgiveness and then my dollie's.  I told her how right she was and how wrong mom's attitude and actions had been.  I used the corner of a napkin to wipe as much of the excess white polish off and then painted over the rest with the blue to make the somewhat semblance of a flower.  It wasn't "pretty," but it was good enough and done.  As we quickly got her ready, I put socks over those nails, and the sting of my foolishness came rushing back again. . . the outside never mattered. . . it was all about the inside and my inside had been an even bigger "fail" than that exasperating right flower big toe nail!   We got them out the door, now 20 minutes late for school and Trev for his meeting.

God in His grace was not done with this lesson yet. . . I was alone now and had a couple hours to work on my study prep for the ladies study I was leading the next morning before everyone returned home.  The book we've been going through is entitled "Because He Loves Me--How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life" by Elyse Fitzpatrick.  It was the final chapter entitled "The Hope of the Gospel."  If you know Jesus as your Saviour, then you well know what this is talking about. . . the hope of the gospel is what every Christian is living for!  What is the hope of the gospel. . . simply put, it is knowing who we are in Christ, what we have been given in Christ, and where our eternal destination will be because of what Christ has done for us through His death, resurrection and ascension to Heaven!  If you do not have this hope, dear ones, I would encourage you. . . no, plead with you. . .  TODAY to talk to someone that can help you search God's Word (the Bible) for those answers and how to find this same HOPE in Christ!  If you don't know a Christian, please feel free to contact me.  I would be most delighted to share how you can have the hope of the gospel of Jesus Christ too!!!

As I read the chapter and studied, this quote from the book stood out and again in God's gracious heart-changing ways, another loving incision was made to my sin-sick heart.  Let me share the quote with you. . .

". . . our Father is intent that we recognize that He has ordered His universe so that it revolves around His beloved One--NOT around ourselves, our desires, or even our good works done in His name.  So, let me ask you:  Is He the supremely honoured centre of your being?  Is He the incomparable, unparalleled, unrivalled sun around whom your life orbits?  You know that He won't be unless you INTENTIONALLY AND CONSISTENTLY CORRECT YOUR HEART.  Without conscious effort He'll slip from His rightful throne and in His place will spring up idols of sinful desires or even splendid vices, those good works we think we're doing for Him but are actually using as a way to avoid Him.  And why would we want to avoid Him?  Simply because WE WANT THE PREEMINENCE. . . Centring your life on His glory will change EVERYTHING about you. . ." (emphasis added)

What really stood out to me as The Lord did a continued faithful work in my heart, was just how focused on the external we get. . . I get. . . forgetting and needing reminders that God is only focused on the internal.  The internal is my heart and soul, both of which are eternal, so you could also say that God is only focused on what is of eternal value.  The external is more than just what I look like. . . it is also the circumstances that surround me.  As much as I can be SO pre-occupied with those circumstances, God is not. . . He is focused and working on my internal heart.  He most assuredly uses the external circumstances to do a work in my heart, but the circumstance, in and of itself, is not what is of concern to Him. . . it is solely my heart!  Isn't that amazing to stop and think about, dear ones!  It sure convicted me to the core, as I studied and thought back to just a couple hours earlier when I was very fixated on the external circumstances and difficulties, instead of our amazing God and the work He was faithfully doing in my heart, for His glory and my eternal good!  Doesn't that truth give such rich meaning to verses like James 1:2-4. . .

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

We can TRUST Him in EVERY external circumstance (even the devastating or difficult ones!), knowing that He is FAITHFUL to use it for HIS glory and His perfecting work in our internal heart which is for our ETERNAL GOOD!!!  Our sanctification and growing holiness and His glory is what He is most concerned with, because this is what is of eternal value. . . a treasure that moth and rust cannot destroy!

Romans 8:28 is familiar to many of us. . .

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

This verse can be confused as meaning that, as believers, all our circumstances should be and will be good. . . however we know that this is not true at all!  Instead, we have such a loving and good God that graciously uses all our circumstances, good or bad!    God is able to use ANY circumstance to do a GOOD WORK in our hearts for HIS GLORY and our ETERNAL GOOD!  And this IS His GOOD PURPOSE for all those He has called unto Himself!  What an amazing truth if I am submitted to the Lord's work in and through even difficult circumstances in my life!  What hope and promise is there for us!  I'm repeating myself here, but I know that I need that from time to time to really sink truths deep into my heart's soil so that they might take root and be grown to produce fruit by the grace of the Holy Spirit at work in my life.  Fruit that is seen in the way I think, respond, talk, prioritize, act and worship!  The way I deal with a frustrating toe nail painting circumstance. . .

Now finally back to the quote I shared with you. . . and the most important conclusion to my heart lesson that day. . . the preeminence of Christ!  What is this talking about?  It is talking about the fact that Christ alone belongs on the throne and everything in our lives should be about Him, for Him and to Him!  That sounds radical doesn't it. . . it is!  And it is also true whether you give Him His rightful place or not.  Why is it so hard for us?  Because we want it to be about ourselves. . . our temporary earthly pleasures, ease, etc. . . our having things our own way. . . our concern for the "external" can deeply gouge and wound our "internal" or our spiritual health, can't it!  Praise Him for those penetrating heart lessons and a God who is loving, faithful, patient, and powerful enough to make those skilled incisions to my sin-sick self-centred heart!  I was so convicted as to my need to "intentionally and consistently correct" my heart, as Elyse Fitzpatrick put it.  As she said, we want the preeminence and so we need that intentional effort to consistently deal with my sinful heart by repenting of sin, correcting my sinful thoughts, attitudes, and motives, and then walking in obedience out of humble gratitude for His amazing forgiveness and His unconditional love through Jesus Christ!  Remembering all the while I do this, that is only by God's grace and the power of His Holy Spirit that I am even able to recognize, let alone deal with my sin-sick heart!  Don't these biblical truths just fill your heart with overflowing gratitude and love for such an amazing and powerful gospel through Jesus Christ. . . that is how He receives the preeminence He is so worthy of. . . when the hope of the gospel fills, overflows and radiates from within our hearts!  Again. . . "Centring your life on His glory will change EVERYTHING about you!"  Oh please dear precious Saviour, may everything about me be changed, by Your amazing grace, so that YOU might be the "supremely honoured centre" of my being, and the "incomparable, unparalleled, unrivalled sun" around whom my life orbits!!!  And may I not too soon forget that "the outside doesn't matter. . . it's the inside that is important!"

Of all the things that God has powerfully and graciously healed in our Hopey's body and mind, the ability for her to grasp, understand, apply and even vocalize deep biblical truths in and from her heart is by far my very favourite!  How we praise God for the work of healing in her comprehension of spiritual truths, her love for her Creator and His Word through Scripture, and ability to now express it!!!  Honestly, we are continually shocked, humbled, and challenged by how God is at work in Hope's heart and the fruit of His faithfulness in her life and now speech!  This is of course, not to say that Hope is perfect. . . she has daily struggles with sin, just like the rest of us. . . but with the severity of her brain injury, this is truly an amazing area of healing, and we see it in her ability to even repent and want to set things right with people and most importantly the Lord, when she has sinned.  God is truly amazing and so worthy of our praise and worship!!! 

Thank you for being willing to let me share my heart lesson with you, dear ones!  I love to take opportunities to be "real" with you so that you can see my struggles to know how to continue to be in prayer for our family, as well as to see that ALL praise and glory belongs only and wholly to Jesus Christ alone!!!  You are so very loved!!!

P.S.  Quick addition. . . I didn't say this in the post as it just gets longer and longer. . . hee hee. . . in this post I shared how I was reminded of how wretched my heart can be and how quick in a frustrating or hard circumstance, I can turn ON God in anger or frustration  instead of turning TO Him for strength and comfort. . . but what I didn't say was how this reminder is so good so that I never forget HOW MUCH I have been forgiven, and the power of what Christ has done on the cross for me and my sin.  So as wretched as I recognize the sin in my heart to be, how MUCH GREATER is the grace and love of our Saviour. . . and that turns our attention to where it should be. . . not wallowing in despair over my sin, but rather treasuring and praising the Saviour who took it all on the cross and now I belong to Him, redeemed and loved!  May that thought process repeat itself over and over in my head and heart for the rest of my life, so that I might truly respond in repentance when I sin out of the overflow of His love in my heart with the heart motive of humble gratitude for how completely and fully He has dealt with my sin. . .  to then lovingly obey Him in all I do and say, all by His grace and for His glory!!!  John 14:21  The hope of the gospel. . . WOW!!!!